What the Roadie?

So I was out riding tonight around dusk, because that's when it's safest. And I see this dude gingerly walking across a gravel parking lot to his car. He's walking a little funny because he's carrying a road bike and wearing road shoes.

This perplexed me. Are his tires and tubes made of paper mache? Or does he only think they are? Or am I actually an idiot for not knowing that modern road tires are punctured by the simple of act of riding on gravel?

I've logged several hundred gravel road miles on road tires in my life so I'm hoping it's not the latter.

Anyway, this kind of foo-foo bike coddling forced me to take action. So I veered off into road into the dirt shoulder, and yet somehow did not dual-flat my ride. So then turned around and rode up the curb, smacking the back wheel against the it, and yet my bike persisted in functioning. I tried bunny-hopping onto a glass bottle but that didn't flat it either. So I was like, maybe this thing isn't flatting because it's a cross bike. Yeah, that's probably it, because cross bikes are awesome and road bikes are so lame you can't even roll one across a parking lot without having the frame shatter into infinity pieces. So I threw it in the lake. Just to show that roadie how hardcore my bike was. The funny thing was that the water parted and it fell all the way to bottom, but it landed on its wheels and just rolled up the other side. Then it jumped some barriers (I don't even know why they were there) and put out 5000 watts for like 10 hours, upgraded to cat 1, and busted Lance for doping. It was pretty cool but the walk home sucked.