Barely Legal Bikes, Vol 7

It's hard to go very far on the internet without stumbling across bike porn, at least if you frequent cycling websites. For a long time I considered bike porn to be morally wrong, as I am against the objectification of objects, and I have been able to resist the temptation of nude carbon parts...Until now.

Thanks to guys like BikeSnobNYC, the Amateur Bike Porn scene has really piqued my interest. I've realized that everyone should be into bike porn, both as a consumer and producer -- because really, what brings more joy to a cyclist than a poorly lit picture of your brakes? I mean, I have seen all manner of brakes in pictures -- stock Shimano, Pauls, Spooky, Froglegs -- but I have never seen your brakes on your bike. Much like a topless 18-year old, the appeal never wears off. By all means, show me your brakes, your cranks, your tubulars -- in fact, could we maybe get pictures of all your bikes?

Oh, you call it "your stable?" Why, that's so clever! I find your analogy most original!

Anyway, without further ado, my entry into bicycle pornography:

Let's go over the features on this little VILP*, gentlemen.

Up front, things are all business. An aero carbon fork mated to a vintage '98 105 hub laced to a 32 hole Maxic CX2 rim that's only 5 mm out of true. Both sleek and economical, it's stiff enough to beat a Civic off the line and cheap enough to laugh about it getting stolen.


Above that, the cockpit features an amalgam of cutting-edge cyclocross and track bike features -- aggressively dropping threaded stem, chopped but not flopped bars, and the Myerson CX Attack brake hood setup gives you more street cred than you'll know what to do with -- plus the ability to turn any pedestrian that thinks you'll actually yield on a red light into a pincushion.


Of course, in between all that style I still found room for some top mounts -- after all, sometimes you need to take a break from enjoying the "exceptionally aerodynamic" reach from the saddle to the hoods and ride the tops. Truly, this no-compromise machine lets you tackle the madness of the city from all angles.


Moving on to the drivetrain, we see a classic early 2000 Shimano chain singulated across a worn 13T bog. Much like the governor on your BMW M5, this equipment was selected to prevent you from exceeding 117 MPH, so it slips (by design of course) when more than 20 Nm of torque are applied.

Of course the primary concern for any urban exploit is avoiding the cat 5 tattoo on your leg, or worse, your pants, so we have a superlight Salsa Crossing Guard protecting that 39T front ring. This also gives us a 3:1 drive ratio, which means you can easily cruise at 35mph yet still climb grades as steep as 18%. Rounding out the crankset we have some cutting-edge Sram Red Platform Pedals that reduce pedaling fatigue by allowing a capillary-saving "micro-rest" on each upstroke.


Finally, the piece de resistance -- the 31-spoke rear wheel saves weight, and not just any weight either -- rotating weight, allowing you to accelerate like a Fiat strapped to an ICBM. On top of that, it provides a helpful rim-kissing-brake metronome to keep your cadence dialed in, and serve as inspiration for your next floor-crushing drum 'n bass anthem.



It's hard decide what makes this bike the greatest -- is it the custom paint job or the matching bar tape? -- but I think we can all agree, this little filly is one truly gorgeous steed. Me personally, well, I just can't wait for the roads to be clear so I can ride to Boloco without getting her dirty.

*VILP = Velocipede I'd like to Pedal